It is that time again! That time when all must stop and watch what is one of the largest productions on the planet for a Sunday in February. Every Super Bowl party is a healthy mix of people that converge into living rooms, bars, and even gather around tablets and phones if necessary. It is an event that is talked about for months and even years after. Because of its cultural importance, I have decided to give you not only a preview of the actual game, but what you might find at your average Super Bowl party.

The Party

Types of Viewers

The Food Bandit: The food bandit creeps in at the most chaotic moments to partake in any and all grub brought to the event, as well as what might be left in your cupboards or in those plastic storage containers from your lunch 3 days ago in the fridge. Ironically, they usually bring nothing to event themselves. Somehow, they leave with one plate of food and a plastic fork.

The Antisocial Butterfly: Much like the Raiders, this person is determined that this will be “their year”. They have been practicing catchy football phrases like “first down” and “targeting” but have no idea what is actually happening and spend much of the game sitting in a chair in the corner, quietly munching on Doritos, while trying to get the courage to use their football for dummies vocab.

The Commercial Statistician: This person has no care really for the game itself. They have come to digest the wild wild west of Super Bowl Commercials. Not only have they watched every commercial that was pre-released, but they have a list of all companies that will be showing commercials. You are not sure how they got this list but they swear it’s legal. They then proceed to analyze each commercial like they are Peyton Manning breaking down film. They stop. They rewind. They fast forward to see if there is any subliminal messaging. They even have a scorecard they have invented for themselves. Caution, this species usually comes in pairs so they can partake in crazy recording keeping together.

The Guzzler: This person half understands the game of football but because they pre-gamed before they pre-gamed, and now are in your living room, they understand none of what is happening. They get angry when nothing has happened in the game. When something does happen, they are nearly passed out. They have a short life-span in the Super Bowl Party video game.

 

The Half-Time Fanatic: Beware the one who leaves to refresh their drink at halftime because this person will let you know that you are missing the best part! They have a long viewer history on their Youtube of every half-time show ever. Yes, yes, they know the good, the bad, and the ugly. Janet Jackson? Been there. You better pay attention during this event because this is their own personal Super Bowl. Once it is over, they go back into the background.

The Puppy Bowl Fan: This person has little football knowledge but keeps asking you to change it to the Puppy Bowl. They think it’s much more fun anyway and the dogs are soo cute! Any commercial with dogs in it and they remember to ask you again to change the channel. Did they mention they have an Instagram account for their dog Smuckers?

The Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas Hustler: You have no idea how this person earns their money. They have been unemployed for 3 years and drive a Mustang. They take mysterious calls and texts during the game. They seem angry in a scary way at weird calls that take the line one direction or the other. You keep one eye on your beer and another on them.

The NFL Guru: This person knows more football than Einstein knows quantum physics. They sleep with the rulebook under their pillow. They yell at the analysts that don’t know what they are talking about. They insist the coaches have horrible clock management. They can’t understand why you don’t understand what every penalty is.

The Average Joe: This would be a chunk of the people at your party. They understand what a first-down is. They know who the teams are. They like to eat a little and drink a little. Just don’t ask them what coverage that was and they have no idea who the half-time entertainment is but boy are the costumes pretty. They miss half the commercials and really enjoy the old Budweiser horse commercials.

The Die-Hard Fan Whose Team Is Actually In the Game: These poor fools. They are continuously balancing being a gracious party attendee and actually paying attention to what happens in the game because they care. This is their team. You have no idea how many years of crappy versions of their team they had to endure before they got to this moment. Why can’t you understand this?! Why are you so loud?! They can’t hear what the ref called. Yes, this play under review matters! No, they don’t want to leave to do a round of shots in the middle of the play.

The Game

This is a game in which everyone not named a Patriots fan, groans at the thought of seeing Brady back in the Super Bowl. Can’t someone else come out to play? That being said, you have to give the Patriots credit. They consistently overachieve.

I mean look at their roster. Top to bottom they are not great when it comes to talent. They slid into the 2nd seed of the AFC like a creeper sliding into the DMs of an Instagram model. Everyone looked at them like how in the world are they going to compete with KC and the Chargers? They struggled against the Bills! Brady is 102 years old! Gronk has 2 functioning limbs! For the first half of the season their secondary looked tattered. The entire team looked tired and old.

Then something happened. They found their stride. Of course they found it right when they needed it. In true Patriot fashion, they did what they needed to do, when they needed to do it. If you look at them historically, besides their 16-0 season, they don’t typically blow teams out.

They find ways to win. They out strategize you. They make in-game adjustments and almost always play better in the 2nd half.  They know they aren’t always the most talented but they are sure as hell smarter than you are and it’s infuriating if your team keeps losing to them.

On other side of the ball, you have a Rams team that was crowned NFC champ before the season begun. They added hall of fame names to their already crazy defensive line. They still had Gurley. They had Goff who has improved. They had the best young head coach in the league. They were in LA and making it their city.

For most of the season, things went to plan for them until they lost Cooper Kupp. This has been a problem for them. Goff is a young quarterback and it’s obvious he has a strong connection with Kupp. Since Kupp has been out, other receivers have stepped up, but it has been obvious that Goff is no longer as comfortable. Luckily for Goff, CJ Anderson dropped from the sky and gave the Rams a 1-2 punch in the backfield that has given their offense more stability.

The Saints had the Rams dead to rights in the NFC title game but they let up. Yes, I know, I know. The refs completely blew the PI call. However, if you are any kind of fan, you know your Saints still had plenty of chances to win. Would you have won with the correct call? Yes. But did it directly make you lose? No. It kept the game going. It was up to you to find another way to finish it.

I understand your pain Saints fans. I will never forgot my Oregon Ducks losing to Auburn in the Championship Game when Dyer was ruled not down, rolling off the back of a defender and picking up the first down that lead to the winning score. Every fan base has moments that you lose sleep over. Don’t worry though. You will be back.

That being said, the Rams pulled it out and now we are left with Darth Vader and the Evil Empire against Han Solo. Who will prevail?

Here are 3 keys for each team.

Patriots:

1. Sony Michele: If the Patriots are able to establish an interior rushing attack against that front line of the Rams, I think the Patriots will their way to a title. Michele has been the secret sauce to the Patriots season. He has helped take pressure off of Brady and kept defenses honest. The last thing the Patriots want is for the Rams D line to pin their ears back and come after Brady.

2. Offensive Line: The Patriots O line needs to protect Brady in passing downs, especially up the middle. Donald is a beast and Suh has played great in the playoffs. They need to keep a pocket for Brady to step into.

3. Make Goff Beat You: Goff is still young. He is without his most trusted receiver. He still has weapons but has looked uncomfortable lately. Make him more uncomfortable by stopping the run. Force 3rd and long situations and then make him move.

Rams:

1. Run The Ball: Similar to the Patriots, the Rams will want to run the ball to keep pressure off of Goff and dictate the flow of the game. The Patriots defense is not stellar but they can make plays when they need to. If you throw CJ and Gurley at them enough, you will tire them out later.

2. Make Brady Move: Your defensive line is the best in the league from a talent standpoint. You need to make Brady move by applying pressure up the middle. Brady is great at stepping into the pocket when under pressure from the edge. He is not as great when facing pressure up the middle.

3. Gas Pedal For 60: Whatever you do, do not let up on the gas pedal. Please see Falcons fans for confirmation. No matter if you are up 30 points, they will find a way to make a run. Screw prevent and conservative play. Keep the gas pedal down until the game is done.

Overview: This should be a hard fought game that I would not be surprised came down to the kicking game at the end. Do not be persuaded by what happens in the first half as their will be adjustments on both sides for the second half.

This game will solidify the Patriots even further in the history books and absolutely introduce Sean McVay of the Rams as a genus if they win. No matter what it will be entertaining.

As for your party? You know that despite the many characters at your party that it will be memorable, and yet you will remember only half of it the next day. Why do you have to go back to work that Monday? That is the biggest mystery of all.